A soul searching odyssey of an ex-Nepali journalist
By Leelaraj Khatiwada
I wanted to be an actor since my early childhood; this passion never let me be serious enough on Journalism. Although, I am not an actor yet, whereas I tried many ways to be an actor but fortunately, I know many such ways which doesn’t help a person to be an actor.
My trip to Igatpuri, India in 1998 was the first step to jump near Mumbai, consciously I was there to meditate but deep down the passion was driving me to near to the Bollywood. But just because of a low self esteem I could not tell anyone about my dream of being an actor though I was there for almost 8 months in Vipassana International Academy. I even meet a couple of veteran actors and directors of Bollywood, who came there to meditate. My passion remained dormant. No matter I went deeper on the meditation as I came to know about ‘I most do something to liberate myself.’
During 1999, I returned back from Igatpuri to Kathmandu and affiliated with Kathmandu Today, a fortnightly news magazine. There one of my colleagues advised me to be a model, but I was not interested on that field, my dream was something else. Fortunately or unfortunately another colleague Anup Subedi took me to a ‘C’ grade serial director and introduced me with him. The director was making a serial and he gave me a word that he is interested on me to give a break. I am asked to go to Biratnagar. After a two day shooting there I wanted to quit the unit because the director started demanding money from me. He said, “If you really want to be an actor you most provide me money. The bigger amount is liable for a better role.” I thought he wanted to make me a MURGA.
At the same time I was frustrated with the behavior of other fellow artists, no one was professional and skilled. I thought I will learn nothing from this project. Suddenly I realized that type of film was not my passion, I wanted some mega project, skilled and creative enough team, so I renounced my desire for more shoots. I went to one of my friend’s house at Tin Tolia, but I could not sleep the entire night. I went depressed. The other day I was extremely paranoid. I had begun to feel cameras around me and someone following me whereas I was far away from the entire unit and cameras. It went on many hours, perhaps the whole day and I went my home, Urlabari and took rest. After a couple of days I was normal.
I reached Vipassana International Academy again, but had extreme anomalous experiences there, Dr Dhananjay Chavan, a Vipassana Teacher diagnosed me paranoia and prescribed Haloperidol. Dr. Chavan is a Psychiatrist too. The medicine made me impotent. I was advised to return my home back and asked to see a psychiatrist in Nepal. The impotency was creating lots of suicidal thoughts and anxiety. I had not experienced any sexual intercourse with any women and the haloperidol made me impotent! Please think about it, the cause of depression was strongly related to the impotency induced by the medication. And the other reason of suicidal thoughts was the deterioration of my ambition of life. After returning back to home, a chapter of knocking the doors of psychiatrist started. The side effects of the medicines were something psychologically and physically disgusting and painful and I started avoiding the stuffs prescribed by the doctors and purchased by my innocent parents.
I was turned like a psychopath and become a hypochondriac. I was confused. Began to see fogs around and captured by enough bulk of mess. All the time full of strange thoughts as if some kind of ET manifestation in the body and mind, overpowered by Aliens or UFOs, captured or conspired by the NEOs. Suffocated by the evils, existing or non existing ghosts, flying spirits etc. Though these types of manifestation might be less scientific for many people but for me it was strongly vivid and hyper realistic. I was completely unmanageable. Recurring dreams of anonymous horror of being subconsciously memorized Second World War, dreams like anonymous prophecy of a mysterious Third World War, being experimented by an unknown network or Hero of Third World War; I was bitterly confused.
I remember, just before the royal massacre in Kathmandu, I was working with Space Time Publication, at that time I was under medication of a Psychiatrist in Kathmandu and suddenly relapsed. The recent exacerbation was on the boarder of wandering different places in Kathmandu, insomnia and lots of deliriums, strange thoughts and a feeling of having extra sensory perception like telepathy or clairvoyance including lots of de ja voo. I was again hospitalized against my will in Teaching Hospital; there I was diagnosed Bipolar Affective Disorder in Mania. Dr. Navraj Koirala asked,”Ke hunchha tapai lai?” (What happens to you?). “I am in a deep coma,” replied the miserable me with a panic cry,” I want to be awaken.” What they understood, I have no idea, but I was given a high dose of Diazepam and Lithium Carbonates etc., and I felt as if cheated badly or forcefully made a guinea pig.
Again, I remember the post royal massacre trip to Vipassana International Academy; I was begun having strange ideas again, as if my memory had been sent to past lives (hundreds of years back) or something like that. The massacre had already shocked me deeply providing lots of recurring dreams regarding the royal palace and different kings. After a couple of days stay, the Vipassana Authority eliminated me from the centre in the midnight and pressurized to go to the Essel World in Mumbai. I never understood why they forced me to go to that unknown place for me. I went off in the journey of train. I was not in my control. A strange insanity manifested. I was in the street of Mumbai for almost five weeks, naked, hungry and insane.
I felt of being experimented and being photographed. Gradually, I felt as if being spiritually conspired too. By the God’s grace I could return back to my home like a beaten dog. My parents were shocked, wife was confused. I was immediately hospitalized and diagnosed schizophrenia by a team of psychiatrists in B.P. Koirala Medical Institute in the Eastern Nepal. Still, I was not in a position to believe the medical professionals, I claimed, God had chosen me to see and experience a so called lower world or a hell in the street. During the five weeks of the rock bottom of life, I felt being captured by an anonymous second Hitler. Sometimes, I felt that I was forced to wander in a huge movie studio and ‘they’ captured me in cameras, but who were they, I have no idea.
I still want to know what had happened within 5 weeks in the street of Mumbai, it is a most unsolved mystery of my life. All what my mind can do is different assumptions, no fact has yet been discovered, here I need a cooperation of Vipassana Authority, I guess at least they know the fact; but they don’t want to listen me, rather they avoid me. Thus I am extremely resentful to the Vipassana Authority.
These days what I think is this man in my consciousness tries to get transformed. I know this man is in a form of a caterpillar and its efforts to be a pupa i.e. reaching samadhi in spiritual realm needs a support. But the mundane phenomenon, the fake omnipresence of MAYA or the illusory tornado of highly materialized world. Please don’t think I am confused, rather I am in a process of crossing a boarder of tremendous mess or hell injected within my subconscious level as yet in the society. That’s a super jargon. It needs a freedom from known. I am not here to blame, neither to anyone nor to the society or any marriage institutions, what I do claim is this man in my consciousness is not responsible enough what is happening at least to the subconscious or super conscious level.
This man just tries to solve the equation of PRORYBERG: the enigma of a transcendental manifestation of mine immediately after my son came in his mothers’ womb, the old book appeared in my mind and I tried to read by my third eye between the sleep and non sleep period. I could see the whole two pages of a mysterious book at that time but could read only that word and fortunately I could remember and jot on my pillow notebook down immediately. Later that glimpse of that book and along the word brought other hundreds of strange words, cannot be found in English dictionary; for this the psychiatrists say NEOLOGISM, a schizoid term where a person creates his own words.
What were that book and the language written there? Who knows it properly? A Psychologist or a Para Psychologist? Although I have been trying to find a Para Psychologist in town, but I think there is no one available in Nepal. I afraid, I don’t want to encounter a fake one, as I saw some monsoonal frogs as Para Psychologist in Kathmandu.
Any way, these days I am trying to jot my 6 long year’s experiences being nostalgic with the help of self meditation, I hope by finishing writing these stuffs, I will completely come out from the 6 long years horror of an unknown dimension of human mind.
5 Responses to “An Unsolved Mystery of My Life”
May 28th, 2005 at 9:06 pm
Realy, it is wonderful.
Nishchal Chapagain Says:
June 2nd, 2005 at 4:56 pm
this is very surprising things that i got you today from here. Did you remember me.May be you lost my memory from your 6 long years horror of an unknown dimension of human mind. I hope you got too many experience about the problems and now you solve all your mind problems and try to be stablish as a good human being(don’t mind for this)Anyway i also got you in good condition and i am happy about you man.Keep trying to be a good in any field wherever you wants to be join.I thought journalism is good field for you and i hope i got you again as a good journalist.I remember that days when i was in Nepal and we work together some time.Would you mind to write me email.so we can talk a lot.
June 3rd, 2005 at 10:40 am
Dear Nishchal ji,
Thanks for the coment. How can I forget you? I hope you are still in the US. I will mail you soon.
pankaj shrestha Says:
June 4th, 2005 at 12:57 pm
it is really nice article,and you have got such a high self esteem
that you dare to tell us about your experiences of your life.I hope the same in your further articles.Best of Luck.
victim of vipassana Says:
November 21st, 2005 at 11:49 pm
my son a trained professional working in a prestigious company came home for 3 wks holiday. he was happy bubbling with joy and inbounding energy. he decided to go for 10 days vipassana camp before getting back to his dream job.
when he came back after 10 days our world had changed. his behaviour was strange and abnormal. he said irrelevent things. went back to his work but had lost interest in working. hos behaviour was not socially approprate. he was rediculed and beaten up by people. he was brought back home. we took him to psychiatrist who diagnosed him as having schezophrenia.
Out world shattered. what happened there which made him unfit and incapable of living a normal life ever after.
we contacted Goenka ji and have not been able to get his appointment. they are just not bothered. Beware world vipassana meditation can be dangerous. all cases may not get reported due to stigma attached to such problems.